your thong is hanging out like whoa
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
