The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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