why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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