im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
