Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
