i wish there were pregnant emoticons
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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