I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
