She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
