The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
