So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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