I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
