There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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