my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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