I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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