i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
