god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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