i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
