yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ambien. No doubt about it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
