1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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