i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
