i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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