I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
