all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
