I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
