Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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