Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
