I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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