The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
