do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
