fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
