Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
