If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
