Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
