When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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