Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We have started to decorate penises.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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