You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
