it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
