i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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