That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
