Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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