I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
