For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
