this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
