Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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