Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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