things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
