Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
