Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
