ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
