The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
