Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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