I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize