So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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