He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize