Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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